A Ringside View

Most of us subconsciously know that the world is a Circus

A circus where there is a Ring Master

A  performer

A Joker and

An Animal

Sometimes, we experience power of being

The "Ring Master"

Telling every performer what to do

Being marvelled at our orchestration of

“The Act”

And sometimes we like to be

The Performer and the Joker.

We get accolades for the risks he takes

We get claps for another performance well done.

For making everyone laugh at our inadequacies

And sometimes we don’t realize that we become the

Caged animal.

A victim of our own choices.

We are beaten and bruised by the Ringmaster

We listen to him but

We experience anger and rage

And hunger

And helplessness

Feeling emotionally raped

And Violated hoping someone will see our pain

But everyone is busy with their "Act".

Little do we realise that

Neither role is fit for us

The Ringmaster will get attacked by the angry Animal

And eventually get humiliated

The Joker will always be sad inside

The Performer will be doing the same thing,

Every day, day in and day out

Even the claps will be the same

Some memories get pushed in the past

And come gushing back to life

Reopening old wounds
Memories of another day..

What we think is buried and over

And life has moved on and we have become stronger and better

We realise the human mind is after all

Not made of stone

It will brim with pain and

It will experience tears

We seem to want the claps

The Validation

We want to make the world laugh

And want to be sad inside

We want to be the tamed animal

The good kid mom always wanted us to be

The Ringmaster who controls the Act.

We finally realise that we run with the world

And it’s almost like we are rotating with the world.

At the end of it, I have realised, its best to be a spectator

Of the world moving around us.

Never getting too involved.

Not getting hurt or angry

Not seeking validation

But simply watching

Dispassionately

At the charade

Let the world around you rotate

You be still..

And take a ring side view.

No matter how strong the temptation,

Remain a spectator always.

That my friend is the lesson of life.

Parag Shah

December 2011

रात के अँधेरे में एक पुतला

रात के अन्धेरें में था मैं

खड़ा जैसे एक पुतला

और ज़िन्दगी जैसे बदली हमेशाके लिए
वोह ,पल न फिर न आयेंगे
यह जान कर जैसे ज़िन्दगी जीनेकी
आशा ही मर गयी अपनी

कुछ रकीबोंसे और कुछ दोस्तों सें
सूना उनके बारेमें ऐसे कुछ
भौचक्का ही रह गया मैं

मैं सारी ज़िन्दगो यही सोचता था

की गलती मेरी ही थी

उन्होंने तो सिर्फ मेरे ज़ुल्म सहे
किया मैंने सिर्फ शोषण

जब सुनी उनकी फरेब की कहानी
तो सूम सा होगया..

मेरे मनमें एक भगवान छबीथी उनकी

उस छबीको उसीने मरोड़ दिया

मानों इंसानसे भरोंसा ही उठ गया
इतना फरेब होता है ?

इन्सान सिर्फ अपनों से ही नहीं
अपने आप से भी झूठ बोलता है ?

क्यों पैसा इंसान का फरेब छूपा सकता हैं?
और वही इन्सान क्या दूसरों को इतना

निचे दिखा सकता हैं ?


पता नहीं क्यों उन्हीके रकीबों और दोस्तों को
उनके कुछ आसू , और कुछ दीवानगी
पर थोडा तरस भी और
थोडा हसना भी आया !

रात के अन्धेरें मे था मैं
खड़ा जैसे एक पुतला
अपनी किस्मत का वही पल
जैसे पकड़ने की कोशिश में

और ज़िन्दगी ने ऐसी करवट ली
हमेशा के लिए

मैं वही पुतला जाने
हाथ में एक मंगलसूत्र लिए
अपनी मौत की रहा देखता
असमान से मानों भीक मांग रहा था

की अब तो उसे इस नापाक ज़िन्दगी से

कुछ पाक मौत मिले

और वोह चली जाएँ अपने अनेक प्रेमियों के साथ

कहीं दूर सुंदर से असमान से मिलने!

Parag Shah

December 2011

Ek Alfaz ki Kahani

एक अल्फाज़ की कहानी

कभी अपने दिल की गहराइयों में झाक कर देखना

तुम्हे अल्फाज़ नहीं

कुछ कहानिया मिलेंगी!

जैसे किसी "जादूगर" ने अपनी पोटली से निकाले

कुछ नए , कुछ पुराने खिलोने!

और फिर कहानियों का जैसे मौसम शुरू होंगा

कहानिया ... जिनका कोई दर्द न महसूस होता

ना ख़ुशी होती , ना गम के आँसू

सिर्फ बिंना अल्फाजों की कुछ यादें

बिना अल्फाज़ के कुछ हलकी किरणों की चम् चम्

तूम्हारी घनी सी जुल्फों की कुछ नर्म यादें

एक रिक्शा की आवाज़

एक फूल की खुशबू

एक दिन के थकान की कॉफफ़ी

और एक दिन रस्ते पर पागल की तरह चलना

जैसे हर चेहरा हैं अजनबी सा

और जब इन बिन अल्फाज़ की यादों को तुम बुन्नोंगे एक कहानी में

तुम्हे कोई पूरानी कहानी फिर याद आयेगी

और कुछ नयी लगेगी फिर वही कहानी

हालात, इंसान माहोल सब कुछ इतना बदलता हैं मेरे यार

कमबख्त इंसान के आंसू नहीं बदलते

बस रहे जाती हैं बिना अल्फाजो की कुछ यादें!

पराग शाह.. २१ नवम्बर २०१११

What does it feel to be a stranger in a place you love ?

Photo Credit: Siddhartha Ganesh FSLE3

Thank you Sid!

My Student Palak sent me this poem a few weeks back...

I am no longer sitting

in the prison of regret.

I have accepted the past.

I am now free to embrace

the present with a new

sense of appreciation.

I am no longer shackled

by bitterness. I have

learned to forgive

what I thought was

not forgivable.

I am free

to experience the joy of

unconditional acceptance.

As the evening sun set today, and my car slowly wound up the lovely roads of the Campus, deep inside my heart, I knew these are my last few moments and my last few glimpses of something I loved very deeply. I think when you love someone or something, with your soul and your heart, and you lose it...a part of you dies too..

As a child I remember , the one thing that mortified me was the thought of my father’s death. When I saw his dead body at the funeral pyre , and I saw a large log of wood fall mercilessly on his forehead and I couldn't do anything but scream silently in pain , a part of me died that moment. The feeling is of a vast emptiness. You are bereft of any emotions and painlessness..

When I lost my best friend in an Air Crash, again the site of his feet jutting out of the funeral pyre , his eyes looking insanely serene and his smile almost divine, I felt a part of me left me that day.

When my Father in Law passed away recently, the sudden death left me with poignant memories of a man who I grew up to be very fond of and a man who for many years was my role model and eventually began to rely heavily on me for my advise and reassurance.

The same feeling I experienced today evening. As the car was winding up the road, I wanted to make no phone calls, I just wanted to soak in the memory of my last drive away from my child.

I was reminded of leaving my daughter at the Bombay Airport as she flew away for her studies to Nottingham.

To experience no hurt or to blame no one. to accept your destiny as a part of your "Karmic" existence , to know that the many times you spent in that place will never ever come back left me sad and empty and hollow inside. But why did God take away something so dear to me is the one question I have been unable to answer. Its not self pity . I am sure of that. Many feel that I get too attached to people and places. But they don’t realize the  passion and the spirit and the life in the place and the mission would not have come without that sense of ownership, a sense of parenthood and a sense of love for the cause, the place and its people.

I know many students didn’t like me because they felt I gave special treatment to a few. The fact is that I wanted to make each one of you feel special but I could do it to only a few. I only wanted to touch and change as many lives as I could . I had no favorites. But I just happened to know a few more than the others. But I want to apologize to those that felt left out. I am sorry that never was my intent. I want to thank those who thought that I touched their lives for they touched mine too.

And as the Campus receded away from the skyline , a part of my heart stopped beating. A lesson learnt . A child left behind. Its hand slipping away from mine. A treasured memory full of love.  My heart will always beat for you every student in FLAME.  A part of my heart will always beat for the faculty who trusted me or my dream of an education that would break all boundaries. My heart will always beat for every staff member who toiled for a dream.

Alvida.  

Bahot be abroo ho kar tere kuche se hum nikale

Finally , a verse form Madhushala

Madhur bhaavnaaon ki su-madhuar

nitya banaata hoon haala

bharta hoon is madhu se apne

antar ka pyaasa pyaala

utha kalpana ke haatho se

svayam use pee jaata hoon

apne hee mein hoon mai saaki,

peene vaala , Madhushala

Harivanshrai Bachchan  says that he has been making poetry of all the nice (wine) feelings and experiences of his life. He has been filling his inner self with this wine and has been consuming it through his imaginations. I am myself the wine-bearer, drinker and the Tavern

Goodbye FLAME. May the light keep burning!

My Farewell Video

This is the Video everyone at FLAME made on my relinquishing my Chairmanship at FLAME. Its the end of another chapter in my life.
do see it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcdSc709NAs

An Ode to a loved one...

She suffered from a debilitating illness
They called it Diabetes Mellitus

My first memory of her was when my father dispatched me & my little sister
To Ahmedabad and get to know my relatives..She was the centre of my life those two months!

My Fathers younger brother was inseparable from my father
They loved each other deeply..
My Aunt, Pushpakaki as we called her was an epitome of generosity

Their house would be filled with relatives from the village
Some studying,
Some looking for a job,
Some waiting to find a groom,
Some just hanging around..

It was a small non decrepit house
But it was a huge home
For my Aunt had a heart larger than any I have known,
She would be working day and night feeding her loved ones
Never complaining...Always smiling
She was always the life of the home

Sundays we would walk a couple of miles
Have one Dosa and one ice cream
Because that was all that my uncle could afford
But the simplest things in life gave them sublime joy!


She would be ready with Tea for me every morning
With Mango Juice and Chapatis every afternoon
And a heavy snack and a dessert every night
She said she had to add at least 10 kgs to my thin 54 Kgs before I left
She actually added 15 before the summer was over !
I could barely fit into my clothes! My uncle had to buy me new ones!
I never looked back after that! I kept adding it up!
That was my aunt..Lively, feeding, loving and with huge heart..

God gave her children after 14 years of marriage!
Two lovely kids
A Daughter and a Son
But I think she got kids late because she had so many other kids to take care of
Relatives
Relatives of relatives,
Students,
Servants
Everyone who came to her for help
She just gave it.

I know of at least 50 of them she took care of
All of them were deeply indebted to her
For her care concern and affection

I stayed in Ahmedabad for 2 years after my graduation
She would insist I stay with her on weekends
She would feed me
She would wash my clothes
She just took care of me
Not much was said
But love just flowed.

I always felt loved and special in front of her
She never valued people with their money and their achievements
She just made every one feel equal
And loved for
I always thought she loved me more than anyone else
I was wrong
She made everyone feel that way

As we all settled in to our lives
She was there , but in the background
She was suffering
She never ever complained
Her spirit for life was unbreakable
She just suffered with a smile
She was just silent when it was too much to bear

I don't think I did justice
I think I should have been there to tend to her
I should have been there to take care of her
I failed in looking after her

I had begged her to come to FLAME in my Chopper.
She never made it.

She bore her death with the same smile and lively spirit she lived with
She embodied values that will remain closest to my heart
Values of helping others selflessly
Values of valuing people without their finery's and money but by their character

I know she is meeting my father and telling him
I am worried for your brother
The days will pass for him
The nights will be impossible
What will the man who spent 60 years with me do alone
Without the 2 people he loved the most
His wife and his brother

Life has strange ways
But she left an indelible mark on all the lives
Her Daughter , Son, Grandchildren and the entire extended family

I salute the woman who first taught me
The joy of giving selflessly
And charity without any expectations
I salute you Pushpakaki....

Pushpakaki passed away on 22nd August 2011

Creations and other thoughts...

No great creations are made without

A thought

A purpose

A Journey

And

A Destination.

The thought and the journey are the most important elements of a creation.

The potential to achieve is always self actualized.

It only needs a catalyst

The catalyst is an idea

An opportunity

A person

And self belief

A storm is a sign of an on oncoming success

Silence and complacence are sure signs of an oncoming storm

Relationships without a purpose outside the relationship are futile

They lose meaning after a while.

Love without a purpose together is an exercise in futility

People drift apart when they don’t have a purpose

The purpose of love should be to give a new meaning to each other’s lives

To love only to fill a void is a sign of dishonesty

Seek the purpose of togetherness and you will find love in abundance.

Intellectual stimulation

A common goal

A desire to grow together

To forgive and not to judge

To be secure

To be

Are these signs of true love?

I knew she would be the woman of substance--An address to parents leaving their child at FLAME

I knew she would be the woman of substance

As I watched her leave me

A part of my heart went with her bags I had packed and unpacked for her

A part of my soul was with her to protect her from dangers

A part of her memories were all packed in my tear bags

Yet I knew she was flying away to be woman of substance

Days seemed easy to pass .being occupied in my work

The nights seemed impossible,

 Unable hide behind work

And the Tear bag would burst open with the memory of her

I had no one rushing to me and hugging me and saying “Good night Pappa”!

Every night, she and her brother would lie on either side

Draw an imaginary boundary vertically and fight over which half of me belonged to them

Every night saying she wants a long drive in my little car

Now I had a big car but not her to take for a drive

Yet I knew she was flying away to be woman of substance

I had learnt from my father, children never learn by listening

They always learn by watching

So instead of focusing on what you say

Focus on what you do

The best way to draw a child’s attention is to sit comfortably he said

And my child was special

Just like yours is

A unique work of Art

Created by God

I love my child the way she is

Because I knew she will grow up to be the woman of substance

Breaking away from your child for a while

Is the best gift we can give it

It helps them explore

Fumble

Fall

Get up

Adjust

Learn

Unlearn

Build Character

And above all become a human being of substance

So don’t worry Ladies & gentleman

This is the place where we build character

We are all parents first and then teachers

We understand your pain

And your anxiety

But your child is in safe hands

Go back home with the secure thought that

2 or 4 years from now

Your child is going to cry too, leaving us

And we will cry too leaving your child

For our job will be well done

In making them human beings of Substance

Citizens you are proud of

Responsible enough to take care of you.

That’s what FLAME embodies

Go back with a smile

But hug your child and tell her
“I love you”

Don’t turn your back

For if you do

The Tear bag of memories will give way

You will weaken and

They will weaken too...

Go back home home

Thank your child for trusting you

Pat yourself for a job well done

Go back home

For your child too will be a human being of substance!

Present but Absent

Present but absent

Present at a social gathering

Unable to handle my mind’s gathering

Present but absent...

Present with someone I care for

Unable to tell them I care

Absent but Present

Present with my tears

Rolling down my cheeks

No one to wipe my tears,

Except my salty palms

Present but absent

Present in the creation

Of an idea that will take off

If it fails, the failure will be mine

If it succeeds, the Presents will be for others

Present but Absent

Present in my heart

Thoughts of you every hour

It’s your absence that

Makes you present by the hour

Absent but Present

Present in the rain

Absent in the sunshine

Absent in the rain

Present in the sunshine

Either ways, human beings use an Umbrella,

Not realising that only that part of their large sky is covered from them

Stupidity in absence

Smartness in presence

Present but Absent

Choose to be present

Yet be absent

Choose to be absent

Yet be Present

The beginning of a failing relationship

Look for the signs when someone you love

Pretends to be present when absent

Pretends to be absent when present

The love is

Absent but Present

Parag Shah

12^th July’11